Why is My Elderly Parent Angry and Rude?

Have you ever been treated terribly by your aging loved one that you sacrifice and care dearly for? It’s a tough pill to swallow and even harder to understand. Let’s talk about it and discuss a real example…

Why are they so mean when I am the one that takes care of them and treats them so well?

This is a great question. But usually it has a simple answer. The one word answer is…fear. They are scared. Let me explain why.

First off, no one likes losing their independence and having to depend on someone for their basic needs. When faced with that new, unfortunate reality, people become scared. Their fear drives them to grasp at regaining control in order to escape from being dependent on someone else. When that fear becomes great, the end result is often anger and lashing out. (This can be further amplified for elderly that live alone.)

What Should I Do?

What we have seen work well in these situations is to actually sit them down and have a straight conversation with them. I know it is scary for you to have that conversation, but I would encourage you to push through it and do it. The majority of the time, they will be glad you did. And so will you.

As mentioned above, they are likely unaware of how they are acting. They can become so paralyzed by fear that they might not realize how rude they are behaving and how they are hurting you. That’s why talking to them about it can be beneficial not just for you but also for them. They might even tell you how thankful they are that you shared it with them!

The message needs to be empathetic and soft for them to receive it. The delivery method is up to you. Use your best judgment. Would your loved one respond best to a phone call, a drop-in visit, a planned face-to-face visit, a text message, or even a letter? You can answer that question best. The goal is for them to be able to not react emotionally or feel accused, but to allow them to think it through, understand their fault, and feel safe.

We’ve seen it work!

A Real Example Played Out

Let me share a real example of how this played out in a real scenario (names changed).

Debbie Jones lives alone but is mostly dependent. She can’t do the yard work anymore, can’t drive to get groceries, and feels overwhelmed at dealing with tasks her late husband used to perform, such as calling a repair man or doing handyman chores.

Debbie’s daughter is an angel in her eyes and comes over to help her weekly. Debbie loves to talk about her daughter about how incredible and loving she is. She goes on and on bragging about her to anyone and everyone that will listen. She adores her daughter.

However, every once in a while, she becomes extremely demanding, mean, and unrealistic with her daughter. It hurts her daughter and makes her seesaw between wanting to help and wanting to pull away.

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Debbie has a large tree that she fears will fall on her house one day. She wants it cut down immediately. So she calls her daughter and politely asks her husband to come cut it down. Her daughter says she will ask her husband and call her back.

When the daughter asks her husband about it, he plainly explains that the tree is massive and not a job that he has the equipment or ability to handle.

Debbie’s daughter calls her mom back and relays the message. Debbie erupts. “How come you won’t get him to do this for me? You don’t want to help me. You just leave me here all alone. That is so selfish of you.”

On and on she goes. It hurts. It’s not sensible.

What’s going on in Debbie’s mind is pure fear and nothing else. She’s scared to death of the tree falling on her house. When the first polite attempt at a simple ask didn’t work, her fear increased and became overwhelming. In her mind, she has no other options other than her daughter. Her subconscious fear tells her to try to force her daughter to do it through angry manipulation. She knows no other way to get the tree removed.

Debbie is oblivious to the fact that her tree would require a tree company with heavy equipment and skilled workers to do the job. She is also oblivious to the fact that the cost would be in the thousands. She does not realize how rude she is acting or how hurt her daughter might feel.

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After a few days go by, Debbie’s daughter got up the courage to let her mother know how she felt. She was at a turning point where she was about to pull away from helping her mother as much. She was prepared to reduce communication with her. She did not want that to happen! But her mother needed to change and treat her better.

She thought about her options: calling her and telling her over the phone, going over and talking in person, or writing a letter. She settled on the latter after believing that would be the best way for her to receive it. She knew her mom would not take it well initially, but if given some time to think it over, she would come to her senses.

She was right. The letter was sent. A week went by, and she went over to visit and help her mom like usual. When she walked in, her mother asked her to sit down. Debbie apologized to her daughter and thanked her for writing the letter. Her mother shared how she had no idea how she was acting.

Things improved that day forward and their relationship was even stronger and healthier than it was before. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. But it does mean there is understanding and a healthy way to resolve it going forward.

Debbie’s daughter could also sympathize more with her mother after learning that it’s not personal when her mother lashes out, but it is her fear controlling her.

Final Thoughts

If your loved one is a kind and caring person at the core, then remember that and hold onto it. It might just be that their fear or their health is overpowering their true nature at times. But remember, it is healthy for all parties to not just accept it and continue on. Feel free to think through the best way of bringing the issue up to your loved one in a calm, loving, caring manner that will help them receive what you need to share. Watch what happens next.

It’s not easy. That’s for sure. But it is worth it. You can do it!

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As always, if you have any questions, do not hesitate to reach out. We are here for you!